Things That Suck:

Yellow Rat Bastard

2008-08-14T10:50:00.001-07:00

A pattern is emerging. It appears that my book is decidedly "lowbrow." First New York Magazine placed it in the lowbrow/brilliant quadrant of their Approval Matrix, and now YRB Magazine has dubbed it "Lowbrow Lit." This latest assessment can be found in the new issue, #84, featuring Nas on the cover. The Brooklyn-based periodical gave Things that Suck a great review, and placed it up front in their Jump Off section. Thanks for the hook-up, guys. Please give Alicia Keys my phone number.

I should point out that while I have now been embraced by my black brethren, Heeb magazine has yet to step up and help a Hebrew out. Their latest issue, which I couldn't resist picking up, features an all-Jew swimsuit calendar. My favorite pin-up happens to be Donna Feldman, perched on a surfboard with a copy of Portnoy's Complaint. Less impressive is their choice of book reviews, such as "The Big Penis Book," a coffee table tribute to over-sized schlongs. And I'm the one they call "lowbrow."

Things that Suck: Having a TV Crew Film Your Bathroom

2008-08-14T10:22:00.000-07:00

I make no apologies for the lifestyle I lead. I'm a bachelor. And as such, I leave the toilet seat up. I coexist peacefully with spiders. And I tend to clean my shower 1/10th as frequently as the Center for Disease Control recommends. Therefore it was with some trepidation that I allowed a TV crew to come in recently and film a news story in my bathroom.

Rich DeMuro, tech reporter for CBS 2 & KCAL News wanted to do a little piece on IdeaStox.com, a new website where users post concepts and inventions they hope to pair with sponsors. I decided to tell the world about my dream for shampoo to be sold in nature-friendly bar-form, and the next thing I know, there's a high-def camera parked beside my medicine cabinet.

I'm not providing you a link to the video because I look like a douche. But let me just suggest that the next time you need to get rid of unsightly mold in hurry, fuck the environment and go get yourself a bottle of Tilex. This crap is toxic. And it works. If you're in the neighborhood, stop by and see for yourself. Dinner will be served on my bathroom floor.

Mirri Vanirri

2008-08-13T10:57:00.001-07:00

Okay...sorry for the title, but I couldn't resist. The Chinese government may call their little lip-syncing ruse "in the best interest of the country," but I call it "Singin' in the Rain meets General Tsao's Chicken." And it just tastes bad. In the first place, I think little Yang Peiyi, the girl behind the curtain, is perfectly adorable. It's beyond me why she was ever deemed not-cute-enough. Can I adopt her? Secondly, it's the freaking Olympics! If ever there was a situation that called for an honest performance, this was it. Is it any surprise, then, that athletes are now calling into question the age of a number of China's gymnasts who recently medaled top honors? Frankly, who would put it past them, swapping in better performers for those less suitable. Clearly the powers that be are willing to save face by simply not showing a real one.

Sizzlin' into our Hearts, One Kid at a Time

2008-08-06T19:21:00.000-07:00

Burger King has recently introduced a new item on its menu that has many industry professionals taking notice. Customers can now chew a little easier knowing their child's Whopper Junior can be paired up with a heart-healthy box of Apple Fries. Rising to meet the challenge of the forbidden fruit's unappetizing "packaging", the fast food giant has peeled and sliced itself a new image. Their hope is to start selling the lo-cal snack by the bushel, but it remains to be seen whether $3.50 for one third of a granny smith is enough to whet customer's appetites. Hopefully for them, a side of caramel dipping sauce will tip the apple cart in their favor. Rushing to catch up, Burger King's competition is struggling to fill the new health gap. However the media has yet to give much airtime to either the Golden Jersey Tomato Squishers™ or the Quarter Pound Bananwich™.

People are Copying Me...

2008-07-08T15:46:00.000-07:00

I make a red book, and look what happens. How the hell am I supposed to stand out now? Can you even find mine here in the window of Skylight Books? People...you really need to start doing your own thing.

This could soon be me:

2008-07-01T09:05:00.000-07:00

If I didn't kill myself before California's hands-free law went into effect, chances are I will now. I went to Costco this weekend and spent forty bucks on a Bluetooth (stupidest name ever) device for my car. Whereas before I simply had to dial my phone, often with the single press of a button, I now have to coordinate wireless communication between my phone and a glorified garage door opener hanging from my sun visor. It's harder than you'd think. You know how frustrating it can be when your computer won't print? Well it's like that. Except you're driving. In Los Angeles. For someone already suffering from a certain degree of road rage, to me, this qualifies as a traffic hazard. Here is a sample conversation, initiated with a push of a "convenient" "multi-function button":

Bluetooth Safety Device: BEEEEP. "Please say a command."
Jason: "Call Melanie."
Bluetooth Safety Device: "Command not recognized. Please say a command."
Jason: "Call. Mel-a-nie."
Bluetooth Safety Device: "Did you say Eric?"
Jason: "No, you fucking fuck! I said Melanie!"
Bluetooth Safety Device: "Calling Eric."
Jason: "God DAMMIT!"
Eric: "Hello?"

This, in the scheme of things, qualified as a successful call. Why? Because a call was actually placed. In most cases, the wireless thing just drops the connection to the phone and I'm back where I used to be. Other times, the wireless thing will ring and I'll press the button to answer, but all it does it buzz. At that point you can hear me saying hello about ten times in a row, followed by a string of expletives. I'm aware that all of this is in effort of making the roads safer, but it will be very telling to look at the accident reports for the period containing July 2008. A recent study showed that the mere act of talking on the phone while driving is what creates a dangerous situation, not the actual holding of a phone. Anyway, I know what you're thinking. Why didn't I just spend more on the wireless thing?? Be-fucking-cause I didn't.

Move over Hot Tub Time Machine

2008-05-20T08:13:00.000-07:00

Last night I got a call from my good friends in Brooklyn, Josh & Claire. Apparently Things that Suck has landed on New York Magazine's "approval matrix." Exciting! Fortunately, the editors placed it on the brilliant-slash-lowbrow quadrant, nearby JJ Abrams' new tv pilot and Leona Lewis' "Bleeding Love." Very nice to be recognized, although I'm not sure if a spot next to the "despicable" forthcoming Hot Tub Time Machine would have been all that bad.

March Toward the Sea

2008-04-12T09:07:00.001-07:00

A couple of new stores added this week, in the company of the lovely and soon-to-be-web Rose Gray. The two of us took a tour of Santa Monica and Venice, managing to avoid hippies and meter maids while placing the book in some excellent locations. If you're in the area, in need of a gift, check out Clever on Main just up the road from Wildflour, selling pizza by the slice. If you want to get even closer to the beach (as well as iron-pumping men in thongs) then squeeze past The Sidewalk Cafe into the expansive Small World Books. Situated along the city's boardwalk, this is apparently Venice's only new-book bookstore, and it's a really nice oasis in an area teaming with nothing else to read besides witty t-shirts and incense descriptions. Special thanks to Radka of Clever for placing Things that Suck front and center!

View Larger Map
PS: If you're not familiar with the area, check out Google Maps' street view before you go, providing 3D images of the entire scene.

Author Blushes in Quaint Bookshop

2008-04-11T12:04:00.000-07:00

So yes, apparently I was a little embarrassed when Lucia, manager of Tujunga's Portrait of a Bookstore, asked me to sign a few copies of the book. An older woman, browsing nearby shouts out, "He blushing! Are you the author?" Anyway, I was very proud to see my work on display right alongside Nora Ephron's "I Feel Bad About My Neck." I've been imagining the two books talking to one another after the shop closes. (Is that weird?) Regardless, Portrait is in a great neighborhood, so if you happen to be over there, drop in and also be sure to check out Aroma Cafe's feta and green onion scone. Crazy delicious! (Wait...did I just recommend a scone on live internet? What's happening to me?)

Book to Sell in Triangular Store

2008-04-05T15:39:00.001-07:00

A local store has agreed to sell Kaplan's new book, but there's a small problem: the store is triangular. "I don't know how it's going to do in there," the writer says. "I really don't. The book is a rectangle, and that's because it was designed to sell in rectangular stores. Maybe even a square. But a triangle?" Uncle Jer's, located at the bottom of Hillhurst near the Vista Theater, has long been a fixture of the Los Feliz community. Residents appear to have even forgotten that the gift shop is oddly shaped. "I didn't really notice," said one recent shopper with a tattoo of the yin & yang symbol on her neck. Kaplan seemed far less concerned about his prospects at Pulp / Illiterature, a more traditionally configured establishment on La Brea. When asked about the superiority of her store's square footprint, manager Candice had no comment.

Hummer Driver Deserves Extra Space

2008-04-02T20:56:00.000-07:00

An area shopper was forced to park his car across multiple parking spots recently. The driver, who declined to be identified, claimed to be worried that other, lesser vehicles would mar the shiny surface of his high performance Hummer H2, designed to kick the shit out of unruly suburban landscapes. Kaplan spotted the motorist before placing his book in both Martha's Bookstore and Zschoche on Orange County's Balboa Island. Noticing that the car took advantage of a neighboring handicap space, one resident commented, perhaps he's got a disability or something. I mean, other than driving that stupid car."

Skylight Books and a Lime Rickey

2008-03-31T16:55:00.000-07:00

Great news today people. Things that Suck is now for sale at Skylight Books on Vermont Ave., right in the heart of Los Feliz. This is another fantastic bookstore, and I must say, it's very exciting to be on shelves just a stone's throw from Marty & Elaine at The Dresden. Drop by the register and pick up a copy before your movie at the Los Feliz 3 or after you've tossed back a few highballs while listening to the world's greatest lounge duet. Special thanks to Justin for taking a chance on the little red book.

Two new stores...

2008-03-25T15:01:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the help of my friend Rose, Things that Suck is now for sale in two more stores! If you're near the beach, you'll find it on the counter of Hennessey + Ingalls in Santa Monica, and at Hi De Ho Comics & Books with Pictures, just down the road.

These are two amazing booksellers, and I'm honored to be rubbing covers with some very respectable titles. I kind of wish I had time to hide near the register and see if anyone picks it up. (Would that be too weird?)

Anyway, thanks Rose! And thanks to everyone who's been coming to the site, buying the book and sending their support.

I'm in my first store!

2008-03-23T16:59:00.000-07:00

Very excited to report that I am officially in my first retail location, Yolk. I can't believe it! This is one my favorite stores in Silver Lake, and, living just up the road, I've probably passed by it thousands of times. Hard to believe they're actually selling something I made, but there you have it. And even if you don't go there to buy my book, Yolk is great to know about, because they sell fantastic gifts for both adults and kids. If you know of any other stores like it where you are, please let me know!

Things that Suck: hopefully not my book

2008-03-21T11:54:00.000-07:00

So I've written a book. Who knew I had it in me?? Well, I shouldn't take too deep a bow. I mean, the thing doesn't even have complete sentences. But still, it's a book, with a cover and pages numbers and everything. Time to slap a price tag on it and see what happens, right?

Holy crap. What if people don't buy my book? That would suck!! And then I'd have to print another edition just so I could include that on the list.

Anyway, I've decided to start keeping a record of my progress from this point forward. That is to say, I have a published book, ready to sell. Now what?

Stay tuned! I'll be posting updates on my progress and soliciting your advice, opinions and creativity along the way. What's more, I've learned lots about the process of actually making a book, so keep an eye out for fascinating tidbits on this subject as well.

Okay. That's it for now...

See you soon and thanks for reading!

-Jason