People are Copying Me...

I make a red book, and look what happens. How the hell am I supposed to stand out now? Can you even find mine here in the window of Skylight Books? People...you really need to start doing your own thing.

This could soon be me:

If I didn't kill myself before California's hands-free law went into effect, chances are I will now. I went to Costco this weekend and spent forty bucks on a Bluetooth (stupidest name ever) device for my car. Whereas before I simply had to dial my phone, often with the single press of a button, I now have to coordinate wireless communication between my phone and a glorified garage door opener hanging from my sun visor. It's harder than you'd think. You know how frustrating it can be when your computer won't print? Well it's like that. Except you're driving. In Los Angeles. For someone already suffering from a certain degree of road rage, to me, this qualifies as a traffic hazard. Here is a sample conversation, initiated with a push of a "convenient" "multi-function button":

Bluetooth Safety Device: BEEEEP. "Please say a command."
Jason: "Call Melanie."
Bluetooth Safety Device: "Command not recognized. Please say a command."
Jason: "Call. Mel-a-nie."
Bluetooth Safety Device: "Did you say Eric?"
Jason: "No, you fucking fuck! I said Melanie!"
Bluetooth Safety Device: "Calling Eric."
Jason: "God DAMMIT!"
Eric: "Hello?"

This, in the scheme of things, qualified as a successful call. Why? Because a call was actually placed. In most cases, the wireless thing just drops the connection to the phone and I'm back where I used to be. Other times, the wireless thing will ring and I'll press the button to answer, but all it does it buzz. At that point you can hear me saying hello about ten times in a row, followed by a string of expletives. I'm aware that all of this is in effort of making the roads safer, but it will be very telling to look at the accident reports for the period containing July 2008. A recent study showed that the mere act of talking on the phone while driving is what creates a dangerous situation, not the actual holding of a phone. Anyway, I know what you're thinking. Why didn't I just spend more on the wireless thing?? Be-fucking-cause I didn't.