Yellow Rat Bastard

A pattern is emerging. It appears that my book is decidedly "lowbrow." First New York Magazine placed it in the lowbrow/brilliant quadrant of their Approval Matrix, and now YRB Magazine has dubbed it "Lowbrow Lit." This latest assessment can be found in the new issue, #84, featuring Nas on the cover. The Brooklyn-based periodical gave Things that Suck a great review, and placed it up front in their Jump Off section. Thanks for the hook-up, guys. Please give Alicia Keys my phone number.


I should point out that while I have now been embraced by my black brethren, Heeb magazine has yet to step up and help a Hebrew out. Their latest issue, which I couldn't resist picking up, features an all-Jew swimsuit calendar. My favorite pin-up happens to be Donna Feldman, perched on a surfboard with a copy of Portnoy's Complaint. Less impressive is their choice of book reviews, such as "The Big Penis Book," a coffee table tribute to over-sized schlongs. And I'm the one they call "lowbrow."

Things that Suck: Having a TV Crew Film Your Bathroom

I make no apologies for the lifestyle I lead. I'm a bachelor. And as such, I leave the toilet seat up. I coexist peacefully with spiders. And I tend to clean my shower 1/10th as frequently as the Center for Disease Control recommends. Therefore it was with some trepidation that I allowed a TV crew to come in recently and film a news story in my bathroom.

Rich DeMuro, tech reporter for CBS 2 & KCAL News wanted to do a little piece on IdeaStox.com, a new website where users post concepts and inventions they hope to pair with sponsors. I decided to tell the world about my dream for shampoo to be sold in nature-friendly bar-form, and the next thing I know, there's a high-def camera parked beside my medicine cabinet.

I'm not providing you a link to the video because I look like a douche. But let me just suggest that the next time you need to get rid of unsightly mold in hurry, fuck the environment and go get yourself a bottle of Tilex. This crap is toxic. And it works. If you're in the neighborhood, stop by and see for yourself. Dinner will be served on my bathroom floor.

Mirri Vanirri

Okay...sorry for the title, but I couldn't resist. The Chinese government may call their little lip-syncing ruse "in the best interest of the country," but I call it "Singin' in the Rain meets General Tsao's Chicken." And it just tastes bad. In the first place, I think little Yang Peiyi, the girl behind the curtain, is perfectly adorable. It's beyond me why she was ever deemed not-cute-enough. Can I adopt her? Secondly, it's the freaking Olympics! If ever there was a situation that called for an honest performance, this was it. Is it any surprise, then, that athletes are now calling into question the age of a number of China's gymnasts who recently medaled top honors? Frankly, who would put it past them, swapping in better performers for those less suitable. Clearly the powers that be are willing to save face by simply not showing a real one.

Sizzlin' into our Hearts, One Kid at a Time

Burger King has recently introduced a new item on its menu that has many industry professionals taking notice. Customers can now chew a little easier knowing their child's Whopper Junior can be paired up with a heart-healthy box of Apple Fries. Rising to meet the challenge of the forbidden fruit's unappetizing "packaging", the fast food giant has peeled and sliced itself a new image. Their hope is to start selling the lo-cal snack by the bushel, but it remains to be seen whether $3.50 for one third of a granny smith is enough to whet customer's appetites. Hopefully for them, a side of caramel dipping sauce will tip the apple cart in their favor. Rushing to catch up, Burger King's competition is struggling to fill the new health gap. However the media has yet to give much airtime to either the Golden Jersey Tomato Squishers™ or the Quarter Pound Bananwich™.